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We humans are creatures of ritual. We have morning rituals, work rituals, worship rituals, play rituals, love rituals, and grief rituals. The following areas are designed to help you establish new rituals which can assist you in the healing of your grief, but it should be remembered that all rituals are designed to comfort and should be meaningful to the people involved. Rituals without meaning are nothing more than empty words and gestures. One of the oldest examples of ritualizing grief took place a very long time ago on a very significant Jewish holiday. This person, the leader of a group, took took twelve of his closest friends to a room he had reserved for dinner. After dinner he took the bread from the table and he blessed and broke it, and said; "Always do this in remembrance of me." Then he took the cup...well, you know the rest of the story. Jesus, among other things, was ritualizing his anticipated grief. A simple ritual of mourning might be placing a piece of black ribbon under, or hanging down from a lapel pin. You could select a candle and dedicate it to the deceased. On special occasions (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc) when the deceased is especially going to be missed, light the candle. You may want to say a short prayer as you light it. Allow it to burn throughout the day as a reminder of the person who died. When you extinguish it, you might want to offer another prayer. Plant a tree or shrub in the memory of the one who died. You may want to invite close friends and family member to share the ceremony. Light refreshments and a time of sharing memories of the loved one could follow. This is especially helpful on the anniversary of the death. As a family project, make a shadow box to create a small memorial for the deceased. Allow each family member to select one or two items to be placed in the box, and choose an appropriate place to display it. You may wish to have a small plaque engraved with the name and dates of the birth and death of the loved one and attach it to the shadow box. During the holidays, make it a point to discuss the deceased. Tell old stories and laugh and cry together. Memories can be very healing when shared with others. As an individual or as a family, consider donating time to charitable organizations in memory of the one who died. At mealtime, offer a toast to the deceased. This may be a formal celebration at the table, or a private, quite salute while watching a particularly beautiful sunset, or doing everyday chores. Make it your way to say, "I still love you; I have not forgotten." Do not hesitate to wear articles of clothing or jewelry which belonged to the deceased. There is a "connection" which often occurs when we wear something that was special to a person we loved. A sweater or bathrobe can give the feeling of having his or her arms wrapped around you; a ring or necklace can convey the feeling of closeness that we all need in grief. It is a living memorial; something the person valued is still treasured despite the intrusion of death. Write a personal letter to the deceased. Say in this letter everything that you would say if that person could be there with you; this includes anger as well as love. Do not worry about grammar, syntax, spelling or content. Let your heart write the letter, not your mind! When you are content with it, put it away for a while. Be certain that it is in a safe place and will remain confidential. At an appropriate time, when you feel that the time is right, burn the letter and allow the smoke to carry the message. A nice touch is to add a bit of incense. Rituals can make us move through our pain. Grief counselors tell us that the only healing of grief is to go through the pain, just as the feeling of the pain - staying with it - is the only healing tool. |