Task One:  Accepting the Reality of the Loss

Accepting the reality of the loss means working through the tendency to deny the death occurred and accepting, both intellectually and emotionally, the fact that the death occurred.  Accepting the reality means acknowledging that the dead person will not be returning to this life.

Task Two: Experiencing the Pain of the Loss

Experiencing the pain of loss means giving up attempts to minimize grief and acknowledging the painful emotional reactions that accompany all loss, especially death.  Since none of us likes to experience painful feelings, we're tempted to cut short the pain of grief, to get it over with and then get on with life.  Without actually meaning to, friends, other family members, and institutions also try to cut the process short.  Places of employment want workers back and fully functional after three days.  Caught in their own feelings of helplessness, friends encourage mourners to get on with their lives.  However, in order to recover, mourners need to experience the painful feelings of grief.

Task Three: Adjusting to an Environment Without the Deceased

Adjusting to a new environment that no longer includes the deceased is a painful process that takes time to accomplish.  At first a mourner may not realize all the roles filled by a loved one.  If the deceases was a spouse, the mourner may have lost a friend, lover, bill-payer, car washer, cook, or grocery shopper.

In adjusting to the external environment, those who are grieving must also adjust to changes in their internal environment.  Mourners are accustomed to relating to the deceased in many ways, including emotionally and mentally.  For example: when we notice a favorite store is having a sale or we hear a joke, we often think, "I can't wait to tell ____!"  If the person we want to tell is the person who died, we experience waves of grief as we realize once again the person we are used to talking and sharing with is no longer physically present.  Adjusting our thought patterns is part of adjusting to life without the person we love.

In the midst of the confusion and pain of grief, mourners may experience a great deal of resentment about having to learn tasks that used to be their partner's job.  Learning how to work the washing machine, write checks, iron, manage a business, or arrange social occasions can seem overwhelming.  However, moving from a state of helplessness to a state of responsibility for learning new skills is required to complete this task.  With time, mourners often experience feelings for pride about their growing independence and new skills.

Task Four: Emotionally Relocating the Deceased and Moving on with Life.

Emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life means the mourner begins to redirect his/her emotional energy from the person who is dead to those who are living, to satisfying hobbies, and/or to other activities.  Successful relocation means taking up our lives again.

During the grieving process mourners may think the decision to become reconciled to grief means forgetting the person who dies, so they struggle to keep their loved on in the present by putting their lives on hold.  However, becoming reconciled to a loved one's death does not mean forgetting.  Reconciliation means adjusting our relationship with the dead person from one of presence to one of memory.  We begin to incorporate a painful new reality into our lives and make a decision to say "yes" to life.

It may be necessary to remind the mourner that feelings of sadness can resurface during anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays, or when other deaths or life crises are experienced.  At such times our grief freshens; once again we feel sad, our throats tighten, and tears fall.  However, as we heal we are able to experience our feelings and then let them go more easily.  Instead of stabbing us in the heart, our grief becomes a dull ache.