Grief and Bereavement

The grief process is a process of letting go and adjusting to a life that no longer includes the person who died.  Grieving is often a difficult process; it is one full of challenges, set backs, disorientating, and sometimes painful emotions.  As mourners go through the process of grief they may feel as if they are traveling through a frightening, unfamiliar, and unpredictable landscape - a landscape where the hills are too steep to climb, and the valleys to dark to walk.  However, with time and grief work, mourners can successfully negotiate their journey through grief.  As they learn to integrate the new reality of a loved one's death, mourners begin to accommodate their grief.  They begin to take up their lives once again.

We need to remember that each of us is changed by tragedy.  Assuming our lives will continue just as they were before the death of a loved one is unrealistic.  So is assuming that we ourselves will be just as we were before the death.  Both we, and our lives, are changed by the death of a loved one and by the grief we experience.  However, as travelers who are making our way through the process of grief, we learn to find a new "normal" for our lives and to incorporate our grief into a new, "normal" way of being.  Our journey through grief is a journey of becoming.

Our culture is a death-denying one.  We hide from death and deny the grief that follows.  Because we feel uncomfortable around those who are dying, or those who are grieving the death of a loved one, we tend to avoid them.  Improvements in health care have contributed to our unfamiliarity with the grief process; increases in average length of life mean many young adults in our culture have not yet experienced the death of a close friend or family member.  When someone we love actually dies, we're unprepared for the experience of grief.

Our lack of awareness about grief can make the grief process more difficult.  We're frightened by the powerful feelings that sometimes engulf us.  The normal symptoms of grief can make us think we are going crazy.  One of the important goals of hospice bereavement care is the normalization of grief, which involves educating those in mourning about the grief process and reassuring them that the grief they are experiencing is a normal reaction to loss.  They are not going crazy.

Each time we experience a loss, regardless how insignficant it may seem, we begin another journey through the process of grief.  Sometimes the process is less painful because:

• the loss was not a significant one
• the loss was expected
• the loss seemed appropriate
• we had time to prepare for the loss

On other occasions a loss can be devastating.  The grief process my seem like an endless walk through almost unbearable pain.  For many, the death of a family member is among life's most painful losses.  Depending on our relationship with the person who died and the way the death occurred, our grief may seem painful but bearable, or it may be so painful we feel completely overwhelmed.

The process of grief involves letting go of the person who died and learning to adjust to a new reality that no longer includes the loved one.  When death is expected, friends and family members begin preparing for their loss during an initial phase called "anticipatory grief".  As family members think about how their lives will be affected by their loved one's death, they anticipate the loss and begin to grieve.  After the death occurs, family  members continue the process of adjusting to a new environment which no longer contains the person they loved.

With the emotional support of friends and the hospice team, most family members can successfully negotiate their journey through the process of grief.  However, the normal process of grief can sometimes go awry, triggering an episode of major depression or other serious emotional difficulty.  Then grief becomes complicated and requires referral to a grief counselor or other specially trained professional.

The important thing to remember is that grief is not a contest.  Each of us walks the journey in our own way.  While most of us are able to accept our loss in our own way and at our own pace, there may be times when we need additional help.

Common Reactions to Death

Stages of Grief

Determinants of Grief

The Four Tasks of Grief

A Caution About Not Grieving

You Are Not Going Crazy

What to Say 

Grief Related Links and Resources

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